So it's been about two weeks since I wrote my last post.
This week I went into town to buy a black dress for my graduation. I visited all of the shops that I knew sell my size - River Island, A Wear, Monsoon, M&S, GAP, Dunnes, Penney's - and I tried some other shops that I sort of knew wouldn't carry my size, but tried anyway - American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, BT2. I found loads of beautiful, appropriate little black dresses, but none were in my size. I wear a size 16-18 here (14-16 in US sizes). At the largest, the dresses were size 14, but most only went up to a 10. Not finding a dress isn't a big deal, I have a backup black dress in my closet. However, it devastates me that, while smaller women shop around to have their choice for the perfect black dress, I shop around in order to find any black dress that will fit me.
My inability to find a dress, coupled with my inability to pull myself out of bed in the mornings, along with the way going to a club or bar surrounded by thin women in cute dresses (and there's me in my jeans and jumper, trying to hide in layers) has gotten me to a breaking point...
My motivation is horrible, but I need to be able to kick it into gear. My inactivity and my weight are building upon other self-esteem issues in my life to become a burden that I cannot hold anymore. The C25K program is a great goal, but I think I have to work my way back to into it. My last workout on the C25K left me out of commission for about a week. I don't think my immune system can handle a difficult workout at this point.
So I have resolved that in about two weeks, I will restart the C25K program. In the meantime, I will walk at least 30 minutes a day as a sort of bridge between being completely sedentary and being lightly active.
I'm a bit more optimistic this time, because I don't really believe that I have a choice anymore.
Until next time.
Reagan
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Dear Reagan - I think this is great that you are taking charge of your life and transitioning into a healthier lifestyle. :) There are going to be so many challenges and benefits from this journey, and I am so rooting for you, girl! Whether or not you want to believe me, you have a beautiful body and spirit. There are so many poisonous things out there to make us feel as if we aren't [insert quality/characteristic] enough. Don't try to hide yourself under layers of clothes - work with what you have and dress for your body shape. Maybe find a stylist to help you out. I am totally clueless about clothes and fashion - a bit of a hot mess, but I have a friend in Chicago who's a stylist and she whips me into shape. You can't imagine how fantastic you will feel when you dress by YOUR rules. :) I am a-million-times-over supporting you from across the pond, Reagan. Keep up your drive, focus and positive energy. Love-Swatty
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